Has it really been since January 26th since I posted? Amazing how time flies when you feel like you have nothing to say. I should have been blogging all along because it helps me work through things in my mind, but... 'tis the past and today is present.
This morning brought an amazing calm and peacefulness to my soul. I was driving home from my allergy shots when a really old song came on the radio. A song that used to remind me of boyfriends past, present and future. lol I laughed for a second when it started playing. Then, I felt warm and completely loved. I realized that God was using a song that I love to love me in the present, right where I am. The song, REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" reminded me of His unfailing love and support no matter what is going on in our lives. It brought to mind that I've been fighting Him for far too long... AGAIN. Instead of giving my worries, fears, bitterness, hurt feelings, frustrations, etc. to Him, I was trying to work through it myself. In my mind. You know... the one full of never ending thoughts. The one that never shuts off. The one that requires medication just to appear normal. hahaha All on my own I would pretend that I had let go of things and then as soon as something popped up that reminded me of a certain situation, hurt, etc., I was right back to being cynical and hateful. So not who I want to be. I'm so thankful that Jesus showed me that I don't have to fight the feelings on my own. I just need to call on Him and let Him soothe the way.
In other news, about 2 months ago, I broke out really badly on my right arm and on my breasts. And because I really have trouble controlling it, I scratched and scratched and scratched and... you get the picture. I had horrible sores and what I thought was scarring from all the scratching. Nothing was clearing it up. Not my beloved apricot scrub or anti-microbial/bacterial soap or body wash or medicated lotions or anti-fungal creams, etc. Then my face started in too. This was really upsetting to my husband because he knows how I suffer from self-loathing most of the time when I lose sight of God in my everyday life. So... he finally nagged me enough that I went to a dermatologist last Friday. She was really nice and didn't judge. She made me feel really comfortable as she checked out the body that I loathe so badly. No signs of skin cancer, obvious signs of depression and anxiety. WHAT? You can tell that from my skin? Yes, you can. From the scratching and the sores/scars left in the wake of it. I have what is called Neurodermatitis. Sounds scary, but really it isn't and it affect a whole heck of a lot of people. I'm not a freak. Well, at least not because of my skin!! haha Anyway, she did such a wonderful job of making me feel normal and a little less self-hating because of my appearance and then... she dropped a bomb on me. I no longer like her.
No more long, hot baths... my refuge is suddenly gone. And to add insult to injury, I have to take short, luke-warm showers. No more body wash. No more apricot scrub. No more lotions. No more astringent. No acne wash. No more nothing. I was perplexed at the thought of luke-warm showers and nothing but Dove Beauty Bar unscented for sensitive skin for my entire body, including my face. And the thought of spending all the extra time putting on a medicated cream followed by a super thick moisturizing cream from the neck down and only Aveeno Positively Radiant on my face just made me shudder. That was too much time and energy. Or so I thought. The twice daily full body massages have given me energy that I haven't had in a very long time. My skin... I begrudingly admit, looks fantastic!! In just a few days, the angry sores are fading and new, albeit quite white, skin is glowing from all the extra attention. I can only imagine how great it should look when I go for a follow up in a few weeks. I think she'll be proud!! One thing I'm doing that I don't know if she'll like or not is using a body brush in the shower. It invigorates me and my skin feels wonderful afterwards. Hopefully she won't mind.
Well, that's all the time I have for today's update. I promise to try and come back soon, but I won't promise when... I'm more of a sporadic blogger. lol
Have a fantastic day and God bless!!
